The spark is gone

wheel-chair

wheel-chair (Photo credit: qwz)

You know when others say the lights went out in his eyes – or refer to the sparkle in someones eyes?  I have seen it before.  But a few days ago I saw it come and then go again.  A friend of mine had a  two strokes a few years ago.  The first left him half paralysed and unable to speak but he recovered fully.  unfortunately after the second stroke it was only his speech that was recovered.

I can’t help but wonder if the training he does or does not do is the culprit behind his non-recovered ability to use his left side.  That is not what I want to concentrate on although it does add to the lost twinkle.  Before his stroke he was an active man.  Active both physically and creatively.  He has shown me some of his artwork, paintings and carvings that he filled his free time with.  It was a hobby, work and supporting his family financially never really allowed time for the pursuing of his hobbies to  be full-time.

Now, he doesn’t dare start a creative project.  He has personal assistants that help with his daily life and training.  He could have help setting up an artistic adventure but he doesn’t dare.  I took up my courage and asked him why?

We talked for about an hour.  I asked what he would like to do, or even if he would like to draw or paint again? No, he said.  Because he can’t do it with just one hand.  NO, because he doesn’t want to fail.  No, because he will never be able to finish his once started projects and carvings with just one working hand.

Something new then? Like what, he asked me.  I don’t know, water colors? Neither of us are good at that, they are hard to paint with so lets start with just mixing colors, finding things we like.  Shapes or something abstract no one can judge.  Or, painting on wood, scraps or already made items, I don’t know something!

He looked at me, with a sparkle in his eye.  We were outside on the patio, smoke rising from his cigarette.  Only the little patio light above us to reflect this sparkle.  He looked out at the garden, up at the trees and into the star-studded cloudless night.  It was as if time stopped, I just watch him as if I could see his brain at work considering the things we had been talking about for the last hour.  I was excited to hear the project that we could maybe start on, to maybe be part of his new beginning so many years later.  To hear of something he wanted to do, develop, experience besides the hum drum must do to survive things!  He took another puff, and he looked back towards me.

“It’s gone.”  He said, and the sparkle went out.  The light in his eyes actually went out.  “That time is gone.  I don’t want to do anything, it’s to late.”

The moment was gone.  I knew I shouldn’t question him again so I didn’t.  I felt the sadness in the air.  I waited, as he looked out into the darkness, scanning the night for something.  The I asked him what he was thinking about. 

“Just trying to remember the name of that type of bird we saw earlier.” he replied without looking at me. And that was it.  The end of the twinkle that was so short-lived.  The hope of working back to where he once was in his life, was gone.

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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11 Responses to The spark is gone

  1. loopyloo305 says:

    Give a little time, it may be that he has lost it forever, but sometimes it takes a period of time to regain the desire. Sometimes when you have such a life changing event, beyond the physical rehab, there is a reevaluation within the person that changes their life and their priorities. God bless you and be patience, perhaps God has a plan for something different in the future.

  2. Yaz says:

    Looyloo above is right.

  3. sampatron says:

    I can understand your friend’s response and hope that it’s a temporary respite while he gathers his strength and courage to try again. I have a chronic condition that prevents me from being as active as I once was and I also sometimes say “it’s too late.” But people who are totally immobilized have been known to paint even with a brush in their mouth and others find ways to do other things, maybe not what they used to do, but what they can do. It’s just very difficult to let go of what you’ve been so you can become what you can be. Everyone must make their own choices and decisions and we might not agree with them, but it’s their lives. I sure hope he rallies.

    • mainbean says:

      Me too! I try to understand the fear of letting go to embrace the experience of becoming or trying something new – after all even without health challenges my “life challenges” have instilled a quiet fear of moving on – thank you for your words of encouragement, patience and understanding! I am willing to wait, and hope to support inspiration!

      • sampatron says:

        It’s not unusual for even able-bodied and healthy people to fear moving ahead and leaving something behind so sometimes “fate,” or whatever you want to call it, takes a hand and forces us to do so. It’s much better, IMHO, to be proactive than to be dragged kicking and screaming into a life change. Even though I believe that, however, it still isn’t easy to do. But it’s why I’ve become a writer so I guess it’s not all bad. *G*

      • mainbean says:

        A toast to less kicking and screamimg in 2013! That gave me a great mental picture and a smile.

      • sampatron says:

        Are you familiar with the quote, “The gods help him who will; him who won’t, they drag kicking and screaming.” IOW, better to go with the flow than try to push the river because you’re gonna do what you’re meant to do, or die, trying or not trying. *G*

      • mainbean says:

        I haven’t heard it before, but the go with the flow not against the current has been ringing in my ears for a while… just started fllowing the advice recently though. Hearing is different from understanding for sure.

      • sampatron says:

        Yes, indeedy, intellectual understanding is a lot easier than actual doing and living Life. We westerners tend to live in our heads so we don’t have to get so involved in actual life. Thinking about doing something is a lot easier than doing/living it. Ah, well.

      • mainbean says:

        Very true. With the arrival of the new year I have been thinking about my personal development, what I want , and how to get there. I have gone through this process many times sometimes I succeed and sometimes in never gets farther than the planning phase. Quite disappointing actually – at the same time it’s interesting that I want something but not enough to work for it and then I can still be sad about not having it… comical actually.

      • sampatron says:

        Yes, I understand this. Wish I had a solution for it. I suppose it’s about having a wish but not having a passion. I’ve been trying to find my passion for a long, long time.

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