Dare to be dependent?

Two middle-aged people in love, running down a...

I almost fell off my chair.  I am watching an innocent program about a middle-aged woman looking for love.  She wants a man to love, she is tired of lavishing her affections on her cat.  We follow her to many different couples homes to find out how they met, when they knew they were in love and what they did after that.

It all seems so clear and simple for those that are able to make it work.  Maybe that’s why they can succeed, they have decided each for themselves what they want and need, what they will settle for and accept.  Then they make space for themselves and someone else.  Simple and beautiful, and yet so impossible for the larger part of the population.

The reasons some couples stayed together.  

She makes  my life bigger, more exciting and better.  Everything I do with this woman is an adventure, even breakfast in the morning.  She is interesting and I want to know everything about her, even after 10 years I want to know more as I see her evolve as a person I want to be part of the evolution.

One couple was asked how they keep their relationship growing together, they are very different people and it is easy to see in their interests and career choices. 

Well we both had been single for a long time.  Many years actually.  I didn’t want to be alone and I thought he was a nice person, interesting, sweet and dependable .  All those things I need to feel safe so I can let someone in to be close to me – to be safe enough to take the risk of becoming a couple.  We moved in together.  We both felt it is important to live our separate lives, and develop our different interests and so on, but we are together, share things we experience, and accept our differences.  We meet each other in the “middle” of everything.

Interesting.  The whole program is very interesting.  I want to be in love too! I want to be happy, giddy and plan my life with that man that helps me feel safe and makes everything bigger and more of an adventure just by sharing the experience with him! How? 

Brace yourself.  Now, picture a psychologist entering the tv screen.  And then he proceeds to tell the audience that in order to have a successful relationship we have to be willing to be dependent on the other person.  He then goes on to explain that society teaches us differently from the very start.  We are taught to fail in creating relationships.  How? Well, parents teach children to do everything on their own, it is important to be able to do everything yourself.   We want the to sleep in their own room alone as soon as possible.  (an example) And we go snuggle up with eachother. No one else cares or will do “it” for you.(except your mum for a while if your lucky.)So what are we missing?  What are we not being taught?  We have to dare to be dependent for a relationship to work.

If one person dictates the decision-making and takes all the responsibility  – they are also responsible for the consequences.  The stronger partner creates an apathy in the other partner.  The co-dependent no longer functions without the incorporation, craziness or approval of the other partner.  Co-dependency is unhealthy.  This other “willingness to be dependent” on your partner is healthy. 

Sounds interesting. A balance of some kind that they seem to understand.  I hope they explain it before the end of the show.  I hope they give examples and a work book, references and maybe some homework exercises. 

Good luck! I would love for you to share your own tips with me!

 

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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2 Responses to Dare to be dependent?

  1. Thanks for sharing this. A shocking revelation that what we have been doing is going to shatter us one day…

    • mainbean says:

      I guess we need to look at our motives now and then , hopefully seeing what we are doing and the direction we are taking can be changed with self awareness and we can avoid being shattered. Or maybe after the shattering and picking up the pieces we make different choices the second time around!

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