Inner calm

Foggy forest of oaks in Cantabria. In the lush...

Foggy forest of oaks in Cantabria. In the lushness of these forests Cantabrian mythology locates to spirits and mythologycal beings, trying to give answers to the fear of the unknown.. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have felt stressed for almost three weeks now.  There are many things happening around me, to family members or friends.  Situations that have no clear outcome at this point in time and the worst part is that I have no way of helping, or being involved in the process in which they find themselves.

I don’t know if it is my age or stage of life I find myself in right now that directs this inner stress I have been feeling.  Several times I sat down to write in my diary, to sort out my thoughts and uneasiness.  I don’t want to call it fear but maybe it is.  A fear of the unknown.  Fear of where I am or where I am off to in the future.  There are so many things I think should be changed or fixed, but I seem to be helpless in starting a change, setting something in motion.

By reflecting I find that my material needs are met.  My spiritual needs are met.  I am growing and challenging myself and refusing to stagnate.  But still, it is not enough.  Not big enough of a difference at the end of the day, or week or month.  I have plans and goals and am slowly but surely crossing things off my things to do and accomplish list – at the same time I write more things on the bottom of the list so the tail end grows so quickly I feel I am not taming it!

Something happened a few hours ago. Nothing I can set my finger on.  Just a calm, an ebbing away of the uneasiness.  Maybe it’s because I have done some things, physical actions that can be measured.  I wrote the grocery list, brought down the summer clothes, have written to my friends and family I will be trying to get together with during summer vacation.  I have done my planning for the week as far as what I must accomplish for work.  I have planned the week. I got my lessons planned for the classes tomorrow and then I sat and thought.  I just let every little thought come as they may, ignored the ones that get me going and enjoyed the ones that I could.  Maybe like a little meditation just myself and my thoughts. But still the calm didn’t come right away.  It didn’t sneak up on me.  It was a strange release, many hours after my “doing” and  suddenly and I was lighter.  Some one tell me what it was so I can save it and do it again and again to keep this feeling of freedom and peace!

Whatever I accomplish will be what it is.  It may help or hurt someone else, but it is out of may hands once I have created it.  Every question I ask someone else is the start of something new, I never know how my words and ideas may take form or when.  This all seems diffuse and silly but  feels good all the same.  This is after all just inadequate words being written to try to express my feelings.

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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