Feeling dead or alive at the same time is possible! Through my own self discovery I think this is pretty funny! I have discovered that I often have felt very alive in the midst of commotion and confusion only to” awaken” to the realisation that I have disconnected from my feelings. Therefore being emotionally dead. In search of finding myself I have filled my time and needs with outside stimuli, or distractions like party, party, party. That scene always feels pretty alive and even looks like it to bystanders. Only when I woke up to the emptiness one day of “what am I doing with my life” confusion. I thought I was finding myself and having lots of fun! But that gave me nothing and left me empty. I felt pretty dead again. In chaos I found comfort and wrapped myself in it to distract myself from introspection. Chaos gave me the feeling of being alive because I was busy trying to survive the craziness. That is not being alive.
I am alive in a different way now. My feelings now are calm, and sure – I know where I am going and it fills me with a whole new alive feeling. There are not many words to describe these different levels but I hope you understand what I mean. I am alive when I am connected to how I feel. When I can understand what I am experiencing and take responsibility for my actions. Feeling and being alive is sometimes painful but I would rather be here for the pain and the lessons than shut off and be a robot again. “Feeling” brings with it the opportunity of thinking and evaluating my life and decisions. When I don’t have access to my emotions I am not really living, surviving maybe but there is a huge difference there!
Anyone that has been down the bumpy road of depression, rejection, confusion can understand what I mean as they come out of the tunnel and into the light of life again. The awesome thing is that we can stumble along in darkness for a long time believing we are living our lives untill we are hit with some sunshine and have something to compare the darkness to. So, I hope for lots of blinding sunshine for us all. Right now I am walking in sunshine but I know there are tunnels up ahead. A disappointment, loss or whatever may be lurking around the corner gives me the choice again to walk in the dark of emptiness, but only for a time. The lovely thing about life and light is that they are stronger than darkness and will eventually show me the way out of my tunnel. We just have to dare to be blinded by the light which is sometimes as scary as stumbling around in blinding darkness! Strange how we can sometimes lose our sight even in making the right turn, into the light.