Who is dumb and whom is stupid?

"North Hampton is a Domestic violence fre...

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Well who is asking?

From a book called “hur går hon” by Viveka Enander, Susanne Eriksson Larsson, Julia Fries, Carina Holmberg, Suzann Larsdotter, Hanna Olsson

The book brings up a very interesting question in domestic violence and how we see it.  Often the women involved see themselves as stupid.  Stupid for different reasons at different times during and after the abuse.  With their own words they describe themselves as stupid for staying, stupid for not leaving earlier – for those that leave, and stupid for not being able to make the relationship work out.

What about dumb? Well that is where we the people come in.  Ask around and see how others look at the women or men that are abuse – dumb.  Why don’t they leave? Why can’t they see whats going on? How can they go back time and again? How can they believe the excuses and apologies of the abuser?  Well probably because they are dumb… is the assumed answer.  I hope your bothered by that remark.  But lets be honest – we have thought it haven’t we.

Same sex relationships are no different when we talk domestic violence.  It happens and we don’t hear about it.  We don’t really want to hear about it.  It makes us uncomfortable.  We think they are stupid for being involved or allowing it to happen and who wants to deal with something so obviously weak and dumb?

Well, with a little reading we find that the violence doesn’t happen on the first date.  Not even the first month usually.  And as a matter of fact it’s not usually a full beating the the first time violence rears it’s ugly head.  It’s words, comments, threats, accusations, shame, guilt, seclusion, blame and then abuse.  Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes there is addictions of one or the other partner. 

So who is dumb and who is stupid? What do the words mean to us? I am sure they carry different levels of importance and severity for each of us.  The words give us different mental images – lets share them.  Lets talk about this!  Keeping things shameful and hidden doesn’t fix them, but I guess we understand that by now, or, are we just stupid?

About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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2 Responses to Who is dumb and whom is stupid?

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I felt very dumb, growing up with my father. I felt I was very dumb, talentless, nothingness.

    I saw an Aboriginal man hitting an Aboriginal woman (looked like his wife) at a train station – a main city station – & my guts churned & I wanted to step in but I was afraid of him turning on me fiercely, saying it wasn’t my business. Yet I carried away with me guilt for hours that that woman endured that punching by him, & no one did anything. That just compounds the pain – no one did anything – & that included me. I was just so torn, & impotent.


    • mainbean says:

      I am sure we all have several similar regrets. It is olnly by sharing the shame of our thoughts that we may realise that there will be a next time and next time we will do something! I think we react with the fear of becoming a target put there are many actions we can take, ring authorities, tell a guard, call attention to them by getting others to look at them… but maybe you listened to your gut after all. You might have gotten hurt and she might recieve more of his anger – This is societies problem not individuals per say, not when it’s gone so far as he dares to punch her in a main city station!
      I enjoy your writing- thanks for stopping by!


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