I’ve lost my “softness”

Cropped screenshot of Marilyn Monroe from the ...

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I want to be fast and strong.

I have learned how to survive on my own out of necessity and take care of my children myself.

I work full-time. I sometimes work extra for the much-needed cash – and I am studying part-time.

Did I mention I have three children that  want to be active in sports and music?  I don’t want them to miss out because they have a single mom.

I even run and started taking Judo and MMA training. All of this is awesome! I am proud of myself, my accomplishments and the progress I have made over the past 4 years.  But I have been vaguely aware of my lost softness.  I miss being able to be soft.  To be able to trust or even just allow myself to be comforted and helped.  I have a secret aspiration to be a superheroine and take over the world!  That must be able to be combined with a measure of soft, gentle and smooth.

Having to fight, flee or just being ready to do that has made me hard and edgy.  People close to me know I am not like that but to let new people into my life and allow them also to see the softer side of me has been a battle.  I believe it started when I was only 4 or five.  My mother was soft, sweet and pretty – and she cried all the time because the men she thought loved her always hurt her, and me.  Logically I know this.  Off and on a few patient ( sometimes irritated)  men have tried to help me recognize I don’t always have to be so hard and stubborn, but I feel like I am acting like someone else when I try to be different…

Todays realisation came after listening to Dr.Laura councel a caller.  The caller called in needing advice about how to change her expectation that men were eventually just going to leave her – as her father left her as a child.  The caller was aware of her anger issues concerning her father and wondered if that was her problem, the anger.  Dr. Laura brought her right to the point of how she spoke, the way she used her voice – her harshness and hardness shined through her voice! She was afraid to be soft because her mother had been soft and hurt and she didn’t want to be like her mother. ( familiar!)  Dr.Laura then told the caller that there is a difference between soft and weak.  Making wrong choices and not correcting them is weak.  But even changes can be made from being weak to strong and one can still be soft.  Soft and wise. 

I think that sounds nice.  Soft and wise.  I can pound out the fury on the boxing bag and force my opponent to tap out in the ring.  After training is over I can put on my pink cowboy boots and long grey skirt and walk home with a swagger like Marilyn Monroe made so famous.  I like it.  It makes me giggle and smile.  Swagger.  I know I can, I’m  good at it too – swaggerin’! 

The remaining question is – do I dare?  How much do I want to soften my touch?

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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2 Responses to I’ve lost my “softness”

  1. Thank you for the link. That is a beautiful realization to have. There is much to being a mom that is soft and wise-especially a single mom.

    • mainbean says:

      Thank you! It’s not easy to want to change even when you see the direction you want to go! I wan to be able to do this for myself and especially my children. Boy’s need to see the soft side for different reasons than the girls- this in itself is an exciting revelation.

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