My life and my Will

The Scapegoat

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Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him”

My life and my will.  It is hard to see where I want to go with my life and finding the direction I feel is right.  I know a few people who follow inspiration, it just works out for them and they seem to be inspired to do certain things not always knowing how or why.  I know I make things happen, force them to go the way I think is best.  There we have it, Think and feel.  There is a big difference between those two words.

I am a thinker to my detriment.  I want things to be logical and follow a pattern.  Like I have explained before I make plans and then I expect life to follow the plan!  Even after all I have learned, that life is not always what you expect it to be I can find myself surprised and disappointed when the plan is forced to change.  I can only explain it as though I knew I should take a left but took the right hand turn anyway because it made more sense at the time only to end up at the same starting point.  Making the same common sense turns and again ending up at the starting point.  Only as I finally feel forced to take the strange right hand turn and finding myself on a new, better than expected path.  If only I could have followed the feeling the first time and saved time.

Hind sight is always 20/20 they say.  I have received tons of warnings or feelings and not listened just to find myself with the same decision to make a little while later.  This sounds like non-sense but if you have been where I am I know you get it.  Life has a funny way of patiently putting us in the same situations until we learn our lessons and then we are able to move on. 

My mother feels she was the scape goat of the family.  The second oldest of 5 children she was the receiver of a lot of verbal abuse.  There has been a lot of manipulating and game playing in our family and it is hard to remove oneself from the drama.  She always yearned to be loved and appreciated and respected by her father.  Throughout her youth and adult life she put herself in situations with her father where he was able to verbally abuse her.  My grandfather passed away 2 years ago.  My mother is still depressed over the fact that she never received the apologies she believes she deserves from her father.  She never got the pat on the back, or the thanks you’s she needed for all the time and energy she gave to her parents and family.  I believe that’s the big issue.  Instead of being able to appreciate her own strength and see her possibilities and accomplishments because what she strived after she never received – and now never will.  It is sad to see someone you love carry so many regrets and sorrow over something they never had the ability to change.

Maybe if my mother would have known about step three she would have listened to her heart and realised she was trying to force her father to love and respect her in a way he couldn’t or wouldn’t.  Maybe if she would have accepted their relationship as it was she could have moved on and done other things in her life that would have brought more happiness.  To have given her will over to God would have led her to do fruitful things and receive the confirmation she needed from other sources.  Maybe better yet, self-love and acceptance.

I guess by allowing a higher power to lead us we can get to even better places in our lives than we would have been able to take ourselves.  To bad I have been so stubborn myself!  I only let myself be led when i have tried everything I can and still find myself flailing, just as I decide to give up and give in inspiration (mine or others) the problem resolves.  Solutions come  in forms I myself never could have dreamed of!  This process is taking me less and less time now, I am becoming more willing to allow myself to be guided or just be patient and wait because I know the solution will arrive in its own due time.

The world seems to be in such a hurry all the time.  There is a lot of pressure to accomplish things we may not even really desire to do but follow the expectations of society.  Our need for money, career, success, fulfillment may not really be our needs or desires at all!  How can we really know what we want in our lives if we don’t take the time to really reflect on how and what we are feeling?  There is a whole lot of “mindless doing” going on around here!  We have to be on the run and competing with the ones above us or we feel like lazy losers.  Maybe that’s why there are so many of us writing public diaries now – blogging on all we do,make and see.  The positive is seeing that we are not alone in our confusion and contemplation.  And I love to read all the millions of different conclusions and solutions we find when we finally slow down, stop thinking and start feeling.

I know it works, I have tried it a hundred times, but I still think it’s very scary!

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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