Another chance to apologize

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I like to be busy.  I like to have a schedule, so I can get as many things done as possible.  I do not like to have to change my plans!

I worked the night shift so I got home at 815.  This is normal for me everyother week-end.  My very nice x comes over to be with the kids so I can work – so I shouldn’t complaign but I am going to!  We had discussed that the kids and I would be leaving at 845 because of a planned visit to the museum with 2 other people.  I, of course, am the driver and I was thinking or more honestly hoping that my x would have thought to get the children up and fed maybe to help me out timewise.  I didn’t ask him to do it, I just wanted him to. 

I don’t know if thats where I went wrong.  I should have asked so he knew what I needed him to do.  It’s not his fault that when he say’s he going to leave at a certain time that I have them ready to go, and all packed for him – without being asked. Needless to say we had to hurry and one of my boys decided he didn’t want to go.  This was a change in my plan and I didn’t like it so I told him.  I explained that there were others waiting for us, they had planned their day also and it wouldn’t be just the two we were picking up, but their mothers and sisters that had planned things involved with our day.  Then I got mad and told him to stay home with his dad I didn’t care. Now I really had to hurry!

One boy, got ready, the other moped around.  He eventually decieded he did want to go after all!  That didn’t make me happy either because I was supposed to be running out the door and he needed to grab something to eat… blah blah blah.  We got on the road 30 minuets later than planned and at the same time I recieved the first sms asking where we were!  Irritating. So I wrote to tell them we were on our way and of course I put a little smiley at the end of my appology.   🙂

 Then it hit me .  I wasn’t irritated at my son for changing his mind twice.  He is eleven.  I wasn’t mad we had to hurry or even that they sent an sms asking where we were.  I was mad because I have so many things I want to do all the time and I want everyone else to enjoy it and be thankful for eveything I do. ( Wheather or not they really wanted to be a part of the plan. ) I had 30 minutes in the car to explain.  It didn’t take 30 minutes – but I did take responsibility for the way I acted and didn’t want my son to feel it was all his fault.  Before we left the house he had transformed from the “I don’t want to, I hate everything” boy to the ” I love you, what else can I do to make you happy mom?” boy.  Whenever he does this he turns on the charm to me, and turns on the pick and nag towards his sister and brother.  He takes out his frustration on someone else – behavior that I am such a good example of.

This was about me.  Me wanting to be on time, busy, exciting, perfect and liked even looked up to!  Sure it looks good to the outside world but is it worth what do I do to my loved ones when they get the blame, evil eye, and heavy sighs?  Accented with impatient foot tapping for good measure. This all sounds so silly and trite as I write it down.  Thank goodness a little bird (my wise x) hinted at this as I stomped out the door to have a GREAT day. 

I hate being wrong.  But I am thankful I can change and that they still love me!

These are good articles so be sure to read and smile, I am not the only nut out there!

About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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2 Responses to Another chance to apologize

  1. Carrie says:

    Great post! I could relate. OMG when I was a single mom I had to be wonder woman, I still struggle with it once in a while but for the most part I’ve relaxed a lot and it feels good!

    At least you’re aware of what you are doing. You know recently my son who’s 28 now and I were talking about his favorite childhood memories and they weren’t of Disneyland, or any of the planned vacations and events I planned extensively, his favorite memories were of those impromptu times when we chased each others shadows, or went puddle jumping.


    • mainbean says:

      I like the sound of puddle jumping! And thank you for your encouragement, I often wonder what they will remember, and I look forward to the future reminiscing with them! (Now i have good reason to skip Disney if they wont remember it anyway 🙂 )


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