i’m back continued..

Last Friends

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I wanted to finish what i had started as far as the lessons i learned this summer.  From my previous post I wrote,

  I have done a lot of thinking over the summer big things like fear, love, adventure, heart vs head, choices and responsibilities.

Fear will surely come at me again like the runaway train that it is, but lets go to love!

Love, we all have such different notions as to what love means.  What do  we need to feel, have receive, hear, to feel loved?  And sometimes we still feel alone, challenged and worthless.  I guess when I decided I would see what love had to offer i opened a door, or window to my soul.  It sounds silly but maybe, just maybe I changed something about myself so I could attract something healthier than before.  After all the reading I am doing in AL-Anon I understand my problems, and messes are about me.  Therefore my lack of love, or not being able to recognise it when it is around is again all about me! I never thought of myself as selfish or conceited but wow I sure do think about me (or poor me) a whole lot!

On to the story.  (I like this!) I went on a trip to meet some friends and old acquaintances that I have not seen for many years.  Several of the people I have lost contact with but because of the memories I still hold dear I always consider them friends.  It was almost strange the way friend after friend took me, and my family into their homes.  They spent time with us, shared their things, their time, food laughter, hugs and adventure after adventure with us.  A few of the friends I had only an evening to spend but they invited other friends and celebrated me coming back to them! It is crazy – I have spent several years going through difficult times, chaos, and a bit of hell all by myself and I had friends that could have loved me through it all.  I just didn’t let them.  As soon as I did, they didn’t let me down.

Especially one.  Good conversation, lots of laughter and that awesome feeling of a spark where your heart skips a beat and you can feel a little sick to your stomach!  The feeling was as important as the person for me.  I wasn’t sure anymore what that had felt like, if it existed “out there” anymore.  And we discussed what happened all those years ago – misunderstanding, immaturity and no communication.  We both thought the other knew what we were thinking… but we were clueless.  Which brings me back to the beginning of this post.

Love, we all have such different notions as to what love means.  What do  we need to feel, have receive, hear, to feel loved?

That is the question I am finally starting to be able to answer for myself.  As I am able to answer this question I can tell someone else so they, if so inclined can give me the love I need.  I also realise I don’t get to love them the way I want to, they might miss it as the love I mean it to be.  Instead I can ask them what they need to hear, feel, receive, have to feel safe and loved.  There is something huge in this little discovery for me!

I love to laugh.  To be able to laugh with someone is love for me.  So is holding hands, having time for myself, planning together, discussing touchy subjects, and being able to be different people being able to agree to disagree.

I was on my “vacation” for 8 weeks.  It became 8 weeks of learning that I never will forget.  I feel strangely more alive, more excited about life and more hopeful about my goals and dreams.  So thankful for love and all it’s different shapes and forms.

 

 

 

 

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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