i’m back


Image by marc falardeau via Flickr

Well it is good to be back.  I didn’t feel that way as I packed my suitcase and knew I had to return to my reality.  But after the first check in, and the first lift off my thoughts turned to my destination.  My second home, where I live most of my life.  I have done a lot of thinking over the summer big things like fear, love, adventure, heart vs head, choices and responsibilities.

I better start with fear – it’s a big one for me.  I have made most my decisions based out of the fear of something happening to me or because of me.  I was given the opportunity to talk with a psychologist about my fear.  I re-discovered that i “pack my fear into a box and hide it in the closet.” It’s not a real closet, but my virtual closet.  I love the box, it keeps me free from dealing with my fear – I hate the box because the fear seems so scary and it is always there.

I have an empty hole in my heart and I have been trying to fill it with many things, people, activities – nothing fills it.  Black hole is a good description.

But after my discussions with the psychologist, his encouragement to take out the box and deal with one fear – i decided I WOULD!  He would have to help me sort it all out!

The first fear that popped out was the fear of not being able to be loved.  Not being able to let someone in, let them see me, like me for me.  The me with no make – up, the me that hates to be late and lost, the me that waits untill the last second…. the real me.

Now, of course this can’t all be sorted out in a week but life had in mind a little adventure for me so I would be able to learn a lesson about being me and being loved.  Maybe not loved but liked, appreciated and seen.  I was seen by someone. I was scared and going to just joke around and not listen to what he had to say. I started out  by being the funny girl that flits from one thing to another like a butterfly.  But, I caught myself, and wondered what would happen if i listened, and was honest about what i was thinking.  Nothing was going to happen, I could leave whenever I wanted and the conversation after that moment went on for five days.  First in person then on the phone.  Long lost friends with no expectations, no demands just open honest friends.  Maybe it worked because we havent seen each other for years.  Or maybe it worked out so nicely because i dared  to stay and open my heart, and listen, and was listened to.

I suddenly wondered how many missed opportunities are because of ME? Just me being scared!  I am done with it! I work on it now every week – it fits well into the twelve steps.


About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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2 Responses to i’m back

  1. Hi Mainbean,
    What a truly inspiring message! And I love the selfless way you share other people’s posts about fear below your post. (It’s making me rethink how I do things at my blog.) Fear gets walloped your way. If there is one thing nearly every human can understand, it’s fear. What would happen in the world if we all let go of our fears? Thanks very much!


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