Step Two

Jesus with children, early 1900s Bible illustr...

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Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity-

Well I will start by telling you that we are many that may not like this statement! Today WE are like demigods.  It is all about me, me, me I, I, I want and am going to_____.  Fill in the blank.  Self empowerment is  more than a little misunderstood. 

The funny part is I have always seen myself as strong and smart. Way to smart to end up in a situation that I needed a higher power to “restore” me to my sanity.  Finding myself at Al-Anon meetings  and realising I was actually not the one running my life at all  was a wake up call.  I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat a proper meal.  I couldn’t really listen to what the kids said because my mind was a million miles away trying to solve problems that hadn’t even arrived yet.  ( I had already given up trying to solve the current problems, they were hopeless.)  I was actually loosing my mind!

I liked to entertain the thought of “what if he died while he was out today?”,  “I hope he dies because my life would be so much easier.”  And then I would wonder how it would happen and then I would flash forward five years and see if the solution and outcome to the death had been good.  What a scary morbid waste of time.  And how much guts will it take for me to one day tell him i have had these thoughts.  Or what about the day I admit to my children I know how they feel when they have a broken heart and wish someone would die.  I hope I am really that honest and strong.  Why hide it, it’s true and if I own it I suppose they will feel less alone and maybe be ok with their anger and hurt and then let it go.  I bet there are many out there that have wished someone dead and even played it out how.

Back to restoring me to sanity.  Well I was raised in a Christian home.  So, I was therefore technically a believer!  I believed that God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost all existed. They just didn’t have time for me.  I didn’t really have that big of a problem. (Denial again!)  But the straw that ended up breaking my camels back was a little one.  And it changed my life.

My husband had been drug free for a while.  But his depressions and unwillingness to take his medication on a regular basis was controlling all of us.  We were not allowed to open the blinds. It hurt his eyes.  I was not to work because he need someone to take care of him.  I shouldn’t ask about the bills or food money because I stressed him out and made him sick.  I shouldn’t go to bed because he was lonely just him and the tv.  I shouldn’t leave the kids at daycare because it was to early in the morning.  I was not allowed to go to work because he was suicidal and couldn’t handle the kids.  I needed to ask his mom for money because she was always “on” him.  I needed to stop cleaning, washing, complaining.  The kids needed to be quiet so he could sleep. And last but not least we couldn’t leave the house because he was sick and we were all probably sick.  Give the kids some aspirin and lets watch tv.  Lots of small straws.

There was a big fight.  Not just words this time.  A bite on the cheek, pushing, screaming, torn sweater, threats, tears anger and fear.  Real fear.  It was black in his eyes – he wasn’t there, I didn’t know that man. 

Of course there were apologies.  Of course no one believed them.  What we did know is that things had gone to far.  This was an embarrassing mess.  Who could I call about this?  What should I say – I could only tell the truth I had at the time.  It was all his fault, the monsters fault. ( I could not see my part in the play but we will get to that later.)

I said a prayer through my tears.  I cried to the God that i believed existed but had never dared to trust.  I realized I didn’t know for sure if he would answer my prayer and if he did would I hear it?  I knew nothing after going to church for 30 years! Only that I had to trust him , i was forced to this time I had no other option!  I wondered what God thought about helping someone who felt He was really the only option.  I didn’t care, I needed him, I decided to take the leap of the cliff of faith and hoped he would catch me and my three little innocent children.  I hoped we would somehow catch my sick husband too.  Catch us, save us.

God doesn’t do it for us.  But he will help us, give us answers and guidance.  Not huge fires from the sky or hitting us with lightning. ( although I do wish he would have hit me with lightning so I’d have listen quicker!)  Quiet guidance.  I had spoken to the Drug and Alcohol Therapist for a few months by this time and she encouraged me to prepare for a plan B.  So I had packed a bag with the kids clothes and a change for me. A little money and extra car keys.  When he went to sleep on the sofa I went to the car with the kids.  I couldn’t see through my tears but somehow got my mother in law on the phone.  She called the social worker, they called a shelter and within two hours I was hidden in an apartment with my children.  I told them we were on and they were thrilled. 

I had listened.  I had been caught and saved after my jump from the cliff of faith.  This would be the first of many jumps.  He never said it would be easy, but he said it would be worth it.  (That is Jesus referring to life and experiences)  And I had learned suddenly what Al-Anons step two means.  (Although I still need reminders even after all of this!)

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
This entry was posted in About me, Step two, twelve steps. Bookmark the permalink.

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