Powerless?

A person in a sleeping bag

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“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Powerless. That is almost a curse word now a days! Powerless. That we would never become and if we had somehow ended up to be such losers well DONT admit it!

I couldn’t entertain the thought that i had become powerless.  I thought i had all kinds of power or at least i felt powerful when i yelled or made threats. Accusations worked well for me too.  I had decided that not only was it my husbands fault that I gave up my career and moved to another country, left behind my friends and family and struggled with a new language and customs.  But that he made it impossible for me to go to school, and I never had money for new things, pretty things or even a hair cut.  I was miserable there for a while.  And it was nice to have someone to blame.  I didn’t want to have to do the dirty work, and get the full-time job, puts the kids into daycare, and get on with this thing called life.  somehow it was more comfortable to stick around, fight, feel sorry for myself, kick him when he was down and wait for him to make it all up to me with his 3 days of Prince charming.  Yes it was the 3 days of prince charming that kept me locked up.  The glimpse of the superman i had married and hoped would come back and rescue me.

Ahhh the time wasted.  Or was it?  I have learned so much and i am thankful i have been on the other side of the fence because now i am not so judgemental.  I know it is not all so black and white.  And, I don’t have to put up with anything I feel uncomfortable with!  The power to say no, and actually change my mind.

If you think i sound weak or simple, then you havent been where I have been.  I was weak and simple.  But now I know that …

                                   My life is just that, my life

– Paths to Recovery

I started to wake up to my reality one midsummer celebration.  We had family visiting from several different countries.  All of us camping in tents, sleeping in the barn, on mattresses in the laundry room or just with a blanket and pillow on the floor or in a corner.  We were a group of all ages.  Most the friends brought a little alcohol with them, nothing unusual.  My husband unbeknownst to me had specifically asked his friends he used with not to bring any drugs to the party.  ( see he wasnt just a monster) But being the addicts they were, they brought some extra party to the party.

By the time midnight was coming around the party was slowing down.  My two babies were finally asleep.  People jumping into sleeping bags and closing tents for the night.  Mosquitoes and the flower scented summer air was fresh and dewy.  I took a walk in the midnight sun, the long grass getting my jeans all wet.  I was looking for him, where oh where could my husband be?  I had a strange feeling, i wanted to go to sleep but i couldn’t.  So i left the sleeping babies and went on the hunt.  I wanted to find him, i knew something wasn’t right.

Well with the right drug you feel strong , sexy, center of it all!  It was that one the “boys” had been taking.  I cute girl in the midst of them got a kiss on the cheek from a man standing behind her.  Holding her gently, his chin resting on her shoulder, they swayed to the music.  It was funny, i noticed he was wearing my husbands bright orange fleece sweatshirt! No, no it was my husband!

Oh yes,  thank you God for the moment i had been waiting for!   I didn’t know who she was nor did i care.  I walked up and loudly gave them a piece of my mind and as i did my husbands little sister, dad and step mother came out of the barn.  I told them what i saw, started to cry and ran back to the house, to my sleeping babies.

I got what i wanted.  But now i didn’t feel better i felt worse.  I waited for him to come and apologize so I could tell him how much i hated him.  I waited and waited.  Finally he stumbled into the room.  Pretty somber after having to try to explain to the family his side of the story.  That made me happy.  I was glad everyone hated him and loved me.  Good.  That’s what happens to idiots.

The next mornig was tense.  Guests of family gradually packed and those without hangovers drove the cars home.  I noticed the party friends had left during the night.  A screaming blabbering blubbering wife is never any fun;)  .  The drug explanation did not come up at that point.  The bad behavior was blamed solely on alcohol although the friends that disappeared were said to have had drugs with them.  I approached a friend and we sat on the grass.  The sun burning through my sweater i asked him if this is what being an adult is about?  Is this marriage? Is this it?  I wondered if he felt as disenchanted as i did with this thing called life.  He said he didn’t know.  He told me to listen to myself and my feelings.  I wish i could have.  But by this point i had been shutting off my feelings.   It felt like, all i had was my anger and frustration, and without them nothing.

I didn’t want to let go of my husband i wanted him to be the way he was, the way i wanted him to be.  So i decided not to pay attention to what i saw and felt that weekend.  I decided to put my head in the sand and blame his stupid friends that brought drugs to our family party when my husband said not to.  I mean really, how disrespectful!

It sounds a little funny now how i changed my focus from my husband to the bad friends.  But hey, i didn’t know then what i know now.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
This entry was posted in step one, twelve steps and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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