I am co-dependent

My parents were able to see the many warning signs in my relationship.  In order to help me see the warning signs they bought and sent 3 books to me.  Each book was somehow connected to co-dependency either through a “substance abuse” or “unhealthy relationship” story and even a book on how to break free from a “bipolar, unstable” partner.  So apparently they thought my husband was bipolar or acted like it, had a drug problem  or that we were just unhealthy for each other.  It turns out that they were fairly accurate on all counts!

The funny part is that i read all three books.  I could see my husbands bad behavior on every page.  I could remember having been in those very situations the books described. But i could not see that I was then the co-dependent in the relationship!  I never even thought that I had a part to play!  Life had become just a chaos that happened around me.  I didn’t feel like i had any control,  or choice and eventually, no opinion either.

But if anyone tried to point that out to me or express concern for me and the kids i would jump to my defences.  I had every excuse and explanation.  Nothing was wrong.  Even though I felt i was slowly dying when I was still and alone I couldn’t quite put my finger on what the problem was.  It was probably because I was a big part of the problem.  I, as many other family and friends do, played the part of co dependent and victim perfectly.  I should have won awards for my acting abilities, because I surely wasn’t living life – I was acting it as I thought it should “look”.  The facade was fascinating.

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About mainbean

I graduated december 2014 from Bergströms a Counselor specialized in Co-dependency Therapy. I love to read, discuss and learn. I usually write every other weekend and hope to see how much I grow during this process.
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4 Responses to I am co-dependent

  1. Co-dependency is stealth. Looking back on the worst of it in my life, I can see the denial of reality in my thinking. Today, after many one-day-at-a-times, I embrace reality by checking my own motives and recognizing when my focus on others is unbalanced. Co-dependent behavior can look exactly like healthy, loving behavior. The difference is in the mind. I treat it by being involved in Al-Anon and following what has been proven, not only in Al-Anon history but in the persons I see in those rooms who are transformed practically before my eyes!

    • mainbean says:

      Thank you for your wise words! Stealth is a perfect desciption of co-dependent behavior I love it. I agree the difference is in the mind, I just wish I didn’t still have to concentrait so hard on keeping myself in check… It is always comforting to hear of others transformation, it gives me hope to keep up the fight to be true and honest.

    • mainbean says:

      I have been thinking about what you said
      “I embrace reality by checking my own motives and recognizing when my focus on others is unbalanced. Co-dependent behavior can look exactly like healthy, loving behavior. The difference is in the mind.”
      I have often caught myself in an old rut or falling into the old habits. It is so frustrating! I want to change this behavior for my children too, i am their example and they will follow in my footsteps as i have followed others. The only thing that keeps me feeling like i can succeed even when i fail is that as long as i can support them into believing, and listening to themselves they’ll make it. But then again we all have to make mistakes, i cant save them, and shouldnt want to save them from everything! ( but i secretly want to) and have been advised to believe in them instead!
      It is so true about the transformations, its beautiful and inspiring.

    • WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

      I agree, ‘stealth’ IS a great description for it. This is very valuable reading, 3bean.

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