It’s all fun and games…

It’s all fun and games untill someone get’s hurt. That is what I have always heard anyway. Looking at families that have had to go through an intervention I think it’s a true statement. An intervention doesn’t have to be just for alcohol or drug abuse. There are many things that we use that can become an abusive situation. Never meaning to go past using is usually the issue. The intention is never to hurt the ones that care about us and love us but in the end that is exactly what happens. Our pain and shame that we carry as the problems stack up keep us abusing whatever it may be – to get the kick or rush we need so we don’t think too much about the consequences of our actions.

The lie is in thinking that we can out run the consequences whatever they may be.

The positive side of things is what we learn in the process. That love is ever conquering and can save us from our past mistakes. With the learning of lessons and sharing them with others being our way of giving back. Treatment centers are working with the whole family not just the addicts because the problem is not only the addicts everyone is involved. Every family has friends outside of the family that is touched in one way or another by the processes these families endure. Al-anon is an amazing place for healing when we are ready to start taking our own responsibility for our lives. Our stories change and shape our environments and this eventually shapes the societies we live in.

Today the world is full of pain. We struggle to handle our freedoms and understand our responsibilities as we understand that one individual affects us as a whole. The youth of today are showing us in their suicide numbers that even with the ever-growing freedoms we have that they don’t feel better they feel worse. We have access to more information than ever and yet we are not more informed. The world is more open than ever and yet we are more secluded and depressed than ever before! The question is not what is the solution, maybe we should focus on where and what is the problem?

We have more people on antidepressant medicines and less counseling. Less contact and communication in our families. More free time and still we feel unsatisfied.

Moms and Dadio are hittin’ the pipe

 

You know it really bothers me that we haven’t had more press on the states that have decided to allow pot smoking to be legal.  Sure it is new, but where are the discussions? No elementary schools or middle schools in up roar?

Why not?

Bus drivers, taxi drivers, pilots, teachers just about every vocation should be talking about how this will be handled in the workplace.  How to regulate, what to tolerate.

And if they are mad and picketing why am I not hearing about it?  Touchy touchy I know I sound like a super moralizing republican voting fanatically religious way out there freak!  But alas no, just an adult that grew up with plenty of pot smoking adults around me including a parent by the way.

So what? I will tell you that having a parent that smokes or snorts, takes pills, drinks, parties or whatever we are doing now a days is not fun it’s scary.  It’s scary to guess how they will be today, if they will make food or sleep all day.  If they are going to be the adult or am I taking care of my brothers and sisters today?  And should I stay home from school to care for the little ones not in school yet?

Maybe I am not talking about the people that smoke every once in a while. ( what does that mean specifically?)  Or maybe I am.  I mean the ones that “don’t have a problem”.  And did I bring up  the secondary high yet? No? Well there it is.  What about that?

And I hope that all this freedom means individuals take the consequences too.  Why should my tax dollars pay for rehab for something that is legal? How are insurance companies reacting to this anyway?  No problem as long as we choose the doctor that writes the prescriptions? Does he test his product?  Which ailments is this good for? Oh and since cocain is used for eye surgeries in some countries maybe we should legalize that too, in drop form so we can drop our coke where we want it!

I am not against legislation when we consider that individuals will do what they want anyway.  But I am for us considering the fact that there are children involved in the smoke cloud – and they should be considered.  Maybe.  Just a little bit? A minuet of your time? A second? Thank you.

I want to die

English: Skull and crossbones (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever said this? Did you mean what you said?

There has been little talk lately about assisted suicide or assisted death but it is sure to come up again soon.  There have been many books published and articles written and even countries that have written laws to regulate this type of assistance.

So what do you think? We have death in many forms some assisted and som accidental and lets not forget intentional deaths.  If one of my friends that committed suicide could come back and tell me that they didn’t regret it I would be willing to listen.  If one of the aborted babies, or mothers that made that choice could tell me they didn’t regret it I would be willing to listen.  If someone who has assisted a death or received assistance in ending life would tell me they didn’t regret it and would even recommend it I would listen.  I am not saying I would change my mind but I would listen.

Listening is the way to start a conversation, learn something new share something experienced.  I want to be open-minded, after all I am sure we all know someone who has experienced one of these topics, or tried one ourselves.

I have a friend that has been asking for assistance for years.  I have been listening, I can’t help him or I guess I just won’t help him.  But I do try to listen.

Related articles

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The spark is gone

wheel-chair (Photo credit: qwz)

You know when others say the lights went out in his eyes – or refer to the sparkle in someones eyes?  I have seen it before.  But a few days ago I saw it come and then go again.  A friend of mine had a  two strokes a few years ago.  The first left him half paralysed and unable to speak but he recovered fully.  unfortunately after the second stroke it was only his speech that was recovered.

I can’t help but wonder if the training he does or does not do is the culprit behind his non-recovered ability to use his left side.  That is not what I want to concentrate on although it does add to the lost twinkle.  Before his stroke he was an active man.  Active both physically and creatively.  He has shown me some of his artwork, paintings and carvings that he filled his free time with.  It was a hobby, work and supporting his family financially never really allowed time for the pursuing of his hobbies to  be full-time.

Now, he doesn’t dare start a creative project.  He has personal assistants that help with his daily life and training.  He could have help setting up an artistic adventure but he doesn’t dare.  I took up my courage and asked him why?

We talked for about an hour.  I asked what he would like to do, or even if he would like to draw or paint again? No, he said.  Because he can’t do it with just one hand.  NO, because he doesn’t want to fail.  No, because he will never be able to finish his once started projects and carvings with just one working hand.

Something new then? Like what, he asked me.  I don’t know, water colors? Neither of us are good at that, they are hard to paint with so lets start with just mixing colors, finding things we like.  Shapes or something abstract no one can judge.  Or, painting on wood, scraps or already made items, I don’t know something!

He looked at me, with a sparkle in his eye.  We were outside on the patio, smoke rising from his cigarette.  Only the little patio light above us to reflect this sparkle.  He looked out at the garden, up at the trees and into the star-studded cloudless night.  It was as if time stopped, I just watch him as if I could see his brain at work considering the things we had been talking about for the last hour.  I was excited to hear the project that we could maybe start on, to maybe be part of his new beginning so many years later.  To hear of something he wanted to do, develop, experience besides the hum drum must do to survive things!  He took another puff, and he looked back towards me.

“It’s gone.”  He said, and the sparkle went out.  The light in his eyes actually went out.  “That time is gone.  I don’t want to do anything, it’s to late.”

The moment was gone.  I knew I shouldn’t question him again so I didn’t.  I felt the sadness in the air.  I waited, as he looked out into the darkness, scanning the night for something.  The I asked him what he was thinking about. 

“Just trying to remember the name of that type of bird we saw earlier.” he replied without looking at me. And that was it.  The end of the twinkle that was so short-lived.  The hope of working back to where he once was in his life, was gone.

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It’s not bad if it’s “good” advice

English: Avoid this route in winter conditions That is the helpful advice on the road sign at the northern end of the Wass Bank Road. Conditions were very wintry, but the road was passable. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What?  Not bad if it’s good she said to me! I started to laugh and it hurt her feelings. 

“Well did they ask you for help on something or were you just coming with a little of your helpful information?” I asked with undetectable sarcasm in my voice. 

My patience get worn thin as I explain the same things to family close to me.  I know I should be more mature and patient especially because I have more experience  – or at least different experience to support my stance.  Back to the conversation above – no of course no one had asked for help, opinions or information. 

“I was only being helpful and kind, and they know it.  I don’t know why they have to get such an attitude.  They don’t act that way to you.”  She replied, obviously hurt.

So it was time to explain again.  They don’t get mad at me because I don’t tell them what to do.  I have quit assuming I know what is best and the best way to get there for anyone besides me.  I want to be respected and show respect.   I figure if someone thinks I may have something that can help them they will ask me!  If they don’t ask, and I really feel an overwhelming need to save them from a life lesson I start with a, ” I was in a similar situation and I …”  therefore giving an example that they can take and do with what they like.  Use it or not, I don’t care.  And if I feel annoyed by them not using help they have asked for I remember for next time and then just answer by asking them questions from different angles so they come to their own solutions.

This is all very hard, almost impossible – but so necessary.  Advice is not nice, unless asked for.  Then share your life lessons, don’t tell someone what to do unless you want the blame when it goes down the drain!

Good luck!

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Dare to be dependent?

I almost fell off my chair.  I am watching an innocent program about a middle-aged woman looking for love.  She wants a man to love, she is tired of lavishing her affections on her cat.  We follow her to many different couples homes to find out how they met, when they knew they were in love and what they did after that.

It all seems so clear and simple for those that are able to make it work.  Maybe that’s why they can succeed, they have decided each for themselves what they want and need, what they will settle for and accept.  Then they make space for themselves and someone else.  Simple and beautiful, and yet so impossible for the larger part of the population.

The reasons some couples stayed together.  

She makes  my life bigger, more exciting and better.  Everything I do with this woman is an adventure, even breakfast in the morning.  She is interesting and I want to know everything about her, even after 10 years I want to know more as I see her evolve as a person I want to be part of the evolution.

One couple was asked how they keep their relationship growing together, they are very different people and it is easy to see in their interests and career choices. 

Well we both had been single for a long time.  Many years actually.  I didn’t want to be alone and I thought he was a nice person, interesting, sweet and dependable .  All those things I need to feel safe so I can let someone in to be close to me – to be safe enough to take the risk of becoming a couple.  We moved in together.  We both felt it is important to live our separate lives, and develop our different interests and so on, but we are together, share things we experience, and accept our differences.  We meet each other in the “middle” of everything.

Interesting.  The whole program is very interesting.  I want to be in love too! I want to be happy, giddy and plan my life with that man that helps me feel safe and makes everything bigger and more of an adventure just by sharing the experience with him! How? 

Brace yourself.  Now, picture a psychologist entering the tv screen.  And then he proceeds to tell the audience that in order to have a successful relationship we have to be willing to be dependent on the other person.  He then goes on to explain that society teaches us differently from the very start.  We are taught to fail in creating relationships.  How? Well, parents teach children to do everything on their own, it is important to be able to do everything yourself.   We want the to sleep in their own room alone as soon as possible.  (an example) And we go snuggle up with eachother. No one else cares or will do “it” for you.(except your mum for a while if your lucky.)So what are we missing?  What are we not being taught?  We have to dare to be dependent for a relationship to work.

If one person dictates the decision-making and takes all the responsibility  – they are also responsible for the consequences.  The stronger partner creates an apathy in the other partner.  The co-dependent no longer functions without the incorporation, craziness or approval of the other partner.  Co-dependency is unhealthy.  This other “willingness to be dependent” on your partner is healthy. 

Sounds interesting. A balance of some kind that they seem to understand.  I hope they explain it before the end of the show.  I hope they give examples and a work book, references and maybe some homework exercises. 

Good luck! I would love for you to share your own tips with me!

 

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Help is not always helpful

Yes we have covered this subject before but I have just been given a new perspective.  Maybe I have never thought about this sort of help being harmful but I guess it can be – I have recently been to a lecture about Caseworkers and what they are supposed to do.  After the three hours I left with the biggest impression being  that  people who have a role in helping organise and take care of others cross boundaries in a well-meaning yet harmful way.

How many times have we helped someone because we feel good afterward – maybe they never even asked for the help in the first place.  Have you ever taken the liberty of organising or helping out because you can get it done faster? (it being whatever you like). 

It was funny to sit and listen to how caseworkers  overstep boundaries and in their effectiveness sever the already strained connection between family members and those that need extra support.  How?  Well everyone has family – everyone with an addiction or handicap or illness have people who care about them. Now, not every family has the skills, or energy to handle all addiction, handicaps and illnesses.  The family members do their best but as caseworkers step in and do better, quicker jobs – the family is not needed.  This can be a relief in strained relations – “good someone else can deal with him/her”. What does that mean to a case worker or others in the health care business?  Well it means someone has to clean up the mess – the question is whom and how.  Should the caseworker they do the job, organize the job, or just orchestrate?  How much can family help and be involved? 

  As the patient becomes stronger how will we gradually lessen the help so it does not become a crutch they lean on?  Hmm this actually reminds me a bit of co-dependency.  It is a fine line between helping, and harming here.  If we do the work the person we are helping is not getting out there and doing the job, learning the process, taking responsibility and so on.  Sure we should assist where the ability is weak but we should encourage where there is ability!  Not easy to do when human nature is pretty lazy – hey you want to clean my house for me because you don’t think its clean enough? Go ahead!  But don’t think it encourages me to clean up, actually maybe I will wait untill you can’t stand the mess and help me out again.

 Co-dependents  clean up a load of messes that are not our responsibility –  for many different reasons.  The biggest reason being for ourselves when we are honest about it.  We get pats on the back, thank you’s and we get the control (imagined or otherwise) we want.  Ordered chaos – not just a theory but sometimes a method of survival.

Where do I want to go with this?  Like anything else we do I hope we think before we act.  Ask before we assume.  And allow others the room to grow and step up to their own challenges.  No more advice. Just listen.  Ask yourself, is my helping hand really a help or a long-term hurt – before we extend it.

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